Last week, a heartfelt plea for advice was posted on Circle of Moms by Kelina G. It began, "[My sister-in-law and I have] always had opposing views but lately it seems like she’s dragging my hubby into it too. Calling him names and belittling him…”
Her family's situation, all too common, makes me think of a letter I recently wrote to myself:
This week was rough. People said unkind things to me and to those I love. I wanted to yell and say unkind things right back at them. But I didn’t. I wanted to lash out and confront them. But I didn’t.
Am I letting myself down when I don’t react to their nasty comments? Would I be seen as a bully if I said out loud what I was thinking inside? Am I weak when I say nothing and let others get away with saying hurtful things?
I think there are many others who wonder the same thing as me and Kelina: Why, when someone is rude or uses hurtful words without any care or concern for another, do we think our only option is to either have a full blown argument, which puts the relationship at risk, or stay silent and let the person get away with spouting nasty words?
I’m no different than any one else. I hate confrontation. Yet I’ve been known to angrily confront someone who said mean things to me. I’ve also silently walked away, truly hurt by another’s words, wondering if what they said was true.
Why Bullies Bully
Marianne Williamson once said, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. … Your playing small does not serve the world.”
I am empowered by her words. We all really do know ourselves. We all have internal radar that lets us know if someone is just speaking to hear themselves talk, or if they’re sharing painful, yet valuable information about something we’ve said or done.
Ask yourself this. Does the person who spoke unkindly usually speak that way to almost everyone? If so, ask yourself, why do they do that?
The truth is people who routinely make nasty comments are usually so unsure of themselves that they tend to attempt to elevate themselves by putting others down.
Once you digest that, you have to decide what you want to do next. Do you want to continue listening to what I call “garbage words?” Or do you want to stand tall and represent your true self, as Marianne Williamson advised?
I believe the choice is obvious. It’s not simple, but it is obvious. We have to stop being around people who speak unkindly, whether they’re family or not. It just isn’t emotionally healthy for us, or for our children.
Finding The Courage to Cut Off Contact
As soon as a decision is made to stop all contact with someone—fear arrives. We become afraid that we’ll get sucked into an argument as we announce, “because of the way you talk I can’t be around you.” One way to avoid getting sucked in is to phrase things by only speaking about you.
An example might be, “I don’t like the way you’re speaking to me and to the ones I love. If you continue to say things like this, I can no longer be around you. I’m not telling you what to do. It’s your life. I’m simply making a choice for myself. I know you’ll say nasty things about me now, and when I’m not around, and that’s fine.”
This takes tremendous courage. Ambrose Redmoon said, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” IMHO, taking care of you and setting an example for your children is more important than fear in any situation.
In order to be successful you also need to know that when someone is known for using mean and hurtful words, they’re deeply wounded themselves. They were either treated that way as a child or they’re using nasty words as a defense mechanism, a personal shield to protect them from feeling their own pain.
It’s not only important to stop being around those who use nasty words, it’s also important to teach your children about life without using mean, nasty or hurtful words so they feel whole. I believe all children deserve that. Don’t you?
Sharon Silver is the author of Stop Reacting and Start Responding: 108 Ways to Discipline Consciously and Become the Parent You Want to Be, and the founder of Proactive Parenting. Her book and site help parents gain more patience by responding instead of reacting for ages 1-10. Receive 2 FREE tips from the book. Proactive Parenting is proud to announce the Online Skills Class. A class that any parent can attend, even if you live outside the US. Find Sharon on Twitter and Facebook.
The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.