After crossing your Ts and dotting your Is, you and your ex have agreed to a joint custody arrangement. Even though this is the best situation for your kids, that doesn't make it the easiest one. It's important to ease your children into the arrangement and make sure to put their needs first. There are many things — from a simple sit-down to doubling up on stuffed animals — that parents can do to help kids adjust to their new living situation. Here, real moms share their tips to make this tough situation a little easier on the kids.
Talk to the kids.
No child wants to see their parents separate, so make sure they know why it is happening. Of course, that doesn't mean getting into the nitty-gritty. "Tell them that mommy and daddy have to live apart — otherwise they argue and fight," Connie L. says [1]. She also reminds parents that "kids are very resilient, and they tend to recover and bounce right back."
Of course, going from house to house isn't easy, and your kids may resist at first. If that's the case, Lasha G. advises [2] you to "explain to them that it is important to spend time with dad."
Start off small.
Andrea M. and her husband initially tried alternating weeks with their daughter, but found it took an emotional toll on their 4-year-old. "I think the little ones, or at least my daughter, handle more exchanges better than long stretches without seeing the other parent," she says [3]. The two now take her for three days each and alternate Saturdays, and they think she's much happier.
Some kids still struggle moving between houses, so it may be better to ease them into the transition. Rebeeca S. suggests giving the husband weekend custody and adding more time as the kids adjust. "It is always easier to add more days than it is to take days away," she says. [4]
Lay out the boundaries.
You may be living separate lives, but you and your ex need to be on the same page when it comes to raising your children. "Sit down with him and come up with a parenting plan," Christina M. says [5]. "Decide how you want to discipline your child together so the same rules stick at mom's and dad's house." This is also key to avoiding the typical "but Dad said" argument.
Keep things the same.
With so many changes happening, it's important to keep some things consistent. To make things easier on her son, Washika N. and her ex-husband [6] "try to keep his room in both houses the same." Not only will this make them more comfortable with the new situation, but it also will save you the trouble of having to drive over when they forget their stuffed animal.
Seek professional support.
If you're struggling to explain the situation to your little one, turn to an expert. "The children will have issues arise that you may not be able to help them through," Denise E. says of seeing a therapist [7].
Be sure to communicate.
For Chrissy C., communication is the key to successful joint custody. "I call and talk to him at least two times a week to fill him in on what the kids are doing," she says [8].
However, not all communication will be friendly. If you and your ex have an argument, make sure the children don't hear it. "Never bad-mouth the other parent," Pamela W. says [9]. "I did and I deeply regret it. It only ended up making my son feel unloved."
Keep your home a date-free zone.
It's important for you to get back in the dating game [10], but don't bring the men to your new home. At least, not for a while. “Don’t bring a host of new men in and out of your kids' lives,” Jill F. says [11]. “It's very easy for a child to get attached, and having people coming in and out of their lives is very difficult."