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Motherhood After Loss: What It's Like to Lose an Infant

Motherhood After Loss: What It's Like to Lose an Infant


Motherhood After Loss: What It's Like to Lose an Infant

When I first found out I was pregnant, I knew in an instant my whole life would change. I did everything in my power to prepare for every eventuality of parenthood, but what I never could have prepared for was that my son would die only three days after he was born.

I didn't know at the time what it was like to be a parent, because my son was my first child, but I knew even less how to be a parent to a child who was dead. You become a mother when you give birth to a child, and that doesn't leave you when your child passes away. The instict to be a mother to your child is just as strong as when they are alive.

I knew that I was facing one of the most trying times of my life, but I could never have been aware of how much I would have to defend my grief. At times it is as though I am defending the very existence of my son and the worth of his life. 

Initially people were very sympathetic, but gradually they all started to get back to their lives and normality. As a mother I was left in a place where my entire world has stopped. And after what I would consider to be a short amount of time, I found that people were expecting me to be over it. Over my son - and that fact infuriated me. I felt like when they were expecting me to be my old happy self, that they were (and still are) minimizing his existence. I felt the need to defend my grief, because by defending my grief it was as though I was defending his life and his right to be grieved for. 

Instead of shutting myself away and hiding my feelings, I decided to share them with anybody who would listen. I've had an overwhelming urge to share Finley's life - by talking about him, sharing his photos and his things, and by starting my blog.

 

Initially I was so afraid about having people I knew reading some of my innermost thoughts. I've not always been an emotionally open person. But I was so desperate for people to understand what Finley dying meant for me. What his life continues to mean. And why I am STILL sad. 

I will always be sad. There will always be a part of me missing from this world. Having a child is not something you ever get over, and I don't intend to stop sharing my feelings about him. He existed and his life mattered. It mattered to me, and I want the world to know.

Image Source: Courtesy of Lisa Sissons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

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